the nervous condition of not knowing who you are


The black lives matter movement is a nervous condition between blacks and whites. Blacks are unfairly being killed by police and actions of the state and majority of people act as if these events don't matter. Blacks feel as if black lives aren't being valued. Most of the protests are civil, yet when some cause riots they give the movement a bad representation. On the other side; from my experience; whites feel targeted for the blame and that it relates back to conversation about slavery days and feel the movement is not being inclusive from all races. Both sides disagree and instead of looking for ways for both sides to understand each other more it turns into a battle of who is more right.

A nervous condition is a tension between two things. A nervous condition for me personally is being biracial. I feel because I am African American I need to be involved in matters affecting the black community and participate. Yet, some parts of movements I have inserted myself in are anti-white and shame me for being bi-racial causing me to choose a side. On the other spectrum, I feel like if I fully related to my Norwegian side then I wouldn't be facing reality. Reality is I look African American. I wouldn't feel right down playing my blackness when I am equally both. The same happened in the all white groups I have tried to become apart of; the words were not said but judging by actions I could feel they did not see eye to eye with some blacks view and thus forced me to choose sides again. Sometimes I feel like I cannot win.

A nervous condition of Baba is being able to point out his daughters hybridity yet not his own. From earlier in Baba's life when he was kicked off of his land due to white colonizers thus sparking his leave to England to further his education career aiding him to be the most successful person from his homestead; he became a hybrid. His children, especially his daughter, Nyasha, is the same way. They too grew up on the homestead, continued their higher education in Europe then came back to Zimbabwe a hybrid of what they knew before mixed with their new learned culture. Baba notices how Nyasha has taken on more European culture of living and criticizes her for it; yet he is unaware that he himself is the same way. Each person has their own problems that come with it and own way of dealing with these problems.

Another nervous condition of Baba is his idea of the family and the expectations he has for how things should go "the right way". If his family does not act in the way he thinks is the right way then they are deemed incorrect and scorned for it until they change to his ways. As we have seen with Nyasha, because she does not conform to her fathers wants of how she should act, he violently beat her and have constant tension. We see Baba having his own set of expectations when it comes to his brother Jeremiah. As Baba told his younger brother, " are living in sin. You have not been married in church before God. This is a serious matter" (149). It is interesting that Baba makes the statement that Jeremiah and his wife have been living in sin because life and culture at the Zimbabwe homestead has not changed, it is Baba who has changed.


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